the last melon.

goodbye, po box 98.

Well, guys, I’m home. I figured I’d sit down and give some final reflections for anyone who cares enough to read about what it’s like to come back to the states after a school year on Yap.

Being home is amazing. Most of you know my family, or at least know lots about them, so it shouldn’t come as much of a surprise that I love being back with all of them. The future is uncertain, but this summer is probably the last time that all four of the kids in my family will live at home together, and I’m very much enjoying every minute of it. It’s fun to be reclaim my position as butt of the jokes. No time was wasted - I am being constantly roasted.

greg was at work :/

Leaving Yap was difficult. Many of my students came to the airport (after midnight!!) to say final goodbyes. It was so thoughtful and inconvenient and it meant so much to me. 

~most~ of the airport crew

Before we left, we had a wonderful final day. I got up for the sunrise and then drove the entire island by myself. It was the most perfect thing I could’ve done. We ate lunch at The Marina, which is where we had lunch on our very first day. Somehow, we literally only ate there twice all year - the first and last day. Full circle. The evening ended with a sunset on the water and a coconut at Mnuw (translation: sea hawk (a favorite restaurant)). 

final sunrise.

How have I not talked about this before? Mnuw is the best. It’s a boat and the staff is incredible. Erin and Kayla and Joce and everyone else - if you ever read this, I love you. You are a huge part of why people love Yap.

one last beer battered fish sandwich + coconut on the mnuw.

All of the walls and ceilings inside of Mnuw are covered in t-shirts, flags, dollar bills, and pictures with notes written on them. They are left by people that come to Yap from all over the world. Most of the tourists on Yap are divers or marine biologists, and they really do come from everywhere. Of course we had to leave our own mark.

d-line is my yapese, beer drinking identity.

Flying home was obviously terrible. 23 hours of travel. 4 flights with EXTREMELY short layovers. Lots of running, sweating, falling, shin splints, abandoning my bags (accidentally…three times), shaking, sleeping, etc. I also got yelled at by a United agent after they almost gave up my seat while I was waiting to board the plane.

So, in case anyone was wondering, they have not learned much from their recent mistakes.

Anyway, I sit at home super contentedly. I am seriously overjoyed when I think about all that I accomplished in Yap. I am happy with the relationships I built with my students. I am proud of the work I did at school. I am satisfied with all that I contributed as well as with all that I learned. I am happy I went just as I am happy to have returned home. All is well.

one last goodbye to my classroom.

Just some final reflective thoughts, if you’re interested: 

This wasn’t a break from reality, as some people have said. Sometimes people say, “oh, you’re back to you’re real life!” But it’s important to understand that this experience was, is, and always will be a very real part of my life. I lived in a community, had a job, made friends, learned new things, lived. It wasn’t - as I said in the very beginning - a gap year between school and career. It was a necessary step for my life and will always be a part of my history.

I learned, for sure and certain, that I do not want the career I once chose for myself. As difficult as it was to admit that, I am so happy I learned this. It seriously sucks to come to the realization that I just spent four years and lots of money pursuing a degree I will more than likely never use (oops?). But at least I’m happy right!!!? Perhaps I will find a way to teach outside of the traditional setting sometime in my life. I just wasn’t quite meant to be a classroom teacher. But teaching takes countless forms. I’m sure my time teaching is far from over. You just won’t find me saying, “Welcome to Ms. Ackels’s second grade class!” this August. HAHA I don’t know why it’s so funny to me now to imagine myself teaching second grade — that was pretty much all I ever wanted for myself. I can’t even picture it now it just seems so ridiculous.

happy, happy.

I learned that I am talented. I know that sounds LAAAAME but this was huge for me. I always felt like I wasn’t good at anything because I couldn’t articulate my talents. I couldn’t say, “I’m a great painter,” or “I’m a good athlete,” or “I can speak six languages,” or “I can play a few instruments”. Those are talents, skills, that everyone recognizes. My abilities are just less tangible, more difficult to label. I’m good at teaching. I’m creative when it comes to lesson planning. I’m great at listening to and loving other people. I’d like to say I’m good at understanding, but that’s something I’ll always have to work at. Learning these things about myself has empowered me in a way that I did not expect during this year. I want to go back to school, I want to learn so many more things, I want to do so much with my talents. I want to use them all, always.

school sunset.

I learned how easy it is to make myself happy, but also how much easier it is to make myself miserable. Many times this year I felt like life was just a beat down, but often because I was making it so. Our hearts can break a hundred times a day. We can weigh ourselves down with negative thoughts, self-pity, reminders that we’re not good enough or not doing enough. We can compare ourselves to others, be concerned that people don’t like us, and wonder where things went wrong. We can force ourselves to remember how lonely we are, how far away we are, how long it’s been since things were going exactly the way we wanted them to go. But when we do all of these things, life is, in simplest terms, terrible. It is easy to think these things, to exist this way, to be miserable. At times it is necessary, but only briefly. It is, oddly enough, easy to do the opposite of all of these things. To say, “yes, I am lonely here. Yes, I am finding difficulty. Sure, I don’t know what I’m doing, but whatever”. To take a walk under the unbelievable moon at night. To take time to mentor a struggling student and remember why you’re doing what you’re doing in the first place. To smile just because you haven’t all day. To look back and realize you did make a difference, however small. Happiness is a choice. It is. It is. It is. Joy is a consequence of that choice. Joy is what makes our lives full, complete, worth living. But in order to receive joy we must first choose to be happy. Choose to find the good, to force the smile, to pass by the miserable, the terrible, the upsetting, the lonesome. “We can choose to be anything we want to be, and that includes happy.” If I’ve confirmed anything this year, it’s that.

In one of my posts in September, I wrote “I know that I am choosing happiness here. I made a decision to come here - I answered a very real calling. I don’t always love being away, but I love where I’m headed. I love where this is going. I am already so in love with the person I know that I will be when I am on the other side of this.” 

As I write this, I know that I am more in love with who I am and where I’m headed than I ever have been. 

I was never looking to “find myself” or even to grow this year. I cannot say that this was one of the most life-changing experiences of my life, but I didn’t need it to be or expect it to be. To make these claims would lack truth, so I will not make them. But I can say, truthfully, that this was an empowering experience. And more than anything, a wonderful reminder of how big our world is, how full of love it is, and how much I LOVE PEOPLE. I do. I love them. I love that I now know people on the literal other side of the world. I love that I know a place that previously did not exist in my mind. I love that I know a culture so beautiful and pure and wildly different from anything else I’ve ever known. 

goodbye to my loving neighbors, Mary, Dafrad, and Summer.

It’s hard to say goodbye to a place you know you may never see again. It’s even harder to say goodbye to people you know for sure you’ll never see again. I may cross paths with a few students down the line if they come to the states for college, but there are many I will never see again. It’s weird to make myself okay with that, to accept the reality of this very specific situation, but I have made peace with it. I am ready to move forward— ready to be home, knowing that I did exactly what I came here to do and that I did it well. I had a job and I fulfilled it. I had goals and I met them all. My accomplishments here are many, and I am proud of myself. 

I’m bringing a lot home with me, but also leaving a lot in Yap.

goodbye house.

I leave behind the heat, the all-hours roosters, the power outages. I leave my classrooms, my students, my coworkers. I leave clear night skies, sunrises over the ocean, bike rides around the lagoon. I leave a weaker sense of self, the heartaches that come from missing loved ones, the oppressive barrier that was the time difference between us. I leave constant access to the freshest sashimi, taro, and inexpensive coconut oil. I leave my P.O. box, the friendly faces at the grocery store, and all of my favorite spots around the island.

But I bring home my newfound indifference to bugs and vermin. I bring my love of coconuts, a rejuvenated appreciation for wildflowers and the moon, and a suitcase full of local clothing. I bring greater knowledge of my abilities, a better understanding of my passions, and a clear view of my future. I bring photographs and memories and people I’ll hold forever in my heart. I arrived in Yap a college grad and I return home on top of the world.

goodbye dolphins.

Which, by the way, if you don’t know what it is like to feel this way, you’re doing something wrong. Everyone can feel this powerful, this energized, this in love with life. Figure out what you need to do or to experience to get there, but I promise it’s there for all of us. It’s a great way to live, feeling this way. We can’t be like this every day, otherwise life would have no meaning. But there are seasons when we can and should feel this awesome, this in love, this high. Figure it out. Make it happen. I have never felt more ready to take on the world, to face my future, to make my life happen exactly the way I want it to. It is all so open, so unclear, so vast. And instead of being scared, I’m psyched out of my mind.

But…

…what does my future hold, you ask? 

Instead of asking, how about this — don’t. 

I don’t have any answers, haha. Will I be in graduate school? Still kind of up in the air. Will I be working in Dallas and living at home? Likely. Will I move to a new city and struggle to make ends meet? Ideally. Check in with me in a couple of months.

Until then, I’ll just keep living. Re-adjusting in small ways to life in the Big D. Re-learning how to drive while sitting on the left side of the car, how to function in an air-conditioned room without catching pneumonia, how to go to bed past 9 PM. 

It feels so weird to come to a close with this post. I have so loved keeping this blog throughout the year. So before I go, one more point. Just to bring it all full circle. 

On the very first day of the school year, I had the freshmen in Micronesian History answer the following question:

In your own words, what does it mean to be Micronesian?

traditional canoe building.

One of the boys in my class responded with this:

I would want the world to know that being a Micronesian is the most wonderful thing you could ever imagine. Us Micronesians, to get everything we want, we do it with our own hands.

Gosh, I love that. I really, really do. 

Because it is true! Many of the people I encountered this year can do so many things. They go spearfishing in the middle of the night to feed their families. They suffer through the heat and the mosquitos to maintain gardens and taro patches. They work hard in school because they understand the opportunities that education can provide. 

I know there are people like this all over the world - in other countries, in my own home, everywhere. But something I really admire about Micronesians is that they really just use everything I have and they have such an appreciation for it. They love the land they live on. They are named after it and in honor of it. They use every single gift the earth provides for them. They’re grateful for it and they protect it. It’s the best, I love it. 

goodbye nuunuws.

So now, it’s time to say my last goodbye. 

Goodbye to this blog and to all of my followers. Thank you for your words of encouragement, your compliments on my writing, your support, your love, your friendship, your prayers, and your time. I love you a hundred times over and I am so grateful to have such a vast audience. Thank you to everyone who read from all over the US, France, Afghanistan, Ireland, UK, Australia, Germany, Italy, Japan, Canada, and Poland.

Ugh. I HATE that I have to give up this blog. I mean, my Yap year is over, so there’s no sense in writing anything else. And my life simply isn’t interesting enough to start another blog, you know? But I will so miss writing. I have loved it so much.

So if anyone has any information on outlets for which I can continue writing, please let me know. I have recently been picked up as a part-time writer for a couple of travel blogs, but those will be short lived positions and I will constantly be looking to branch out. 

thank you + goodbye (for now).

kammagar + kafel.

final sunset.

uchuub.

I wanna be where the people are.

The Yapese word for coconut is “uchuub” (oo-choob). And it is my favorite word of all time.

Especially because I recently discovered another use for coconuts. And that is filling them with rum and kahlua. 

where it's at.

But none of this is of extreme importance because I had a very busy week full of non-academic activities. It was a blast, so here are the highlights: 

yakkin.

Last Saturday, we went to a beach park down south in Dulkan. It was beautiful! Tim organized the day for us and had kayaks and barbecue and live music on deck. Nick and Mike are in a band with two other awesome guys. They’re called The Breadfruit Revolution, and they play covers of songs by bands like The Beatles, Coldplay, Pearl Jam, Young the Giant, and more (remember: breadfruit is local produce. Originally I despised it then realized there are nine hundred million ways to prepare it and nearly all of them are amazing). They played their first live show at the end of the evening. It made me super excited to go home and go to a million concerts. I miss live music so much.

spotted: deflated blow fish.

The following Monday, Nick and I went on two more dives. First to Vertigo (where the sharks are, if you recall), and then to another spot with a complex German name that I can’t remember. There was a German tourist on our boat and he told us that the name of the site was a German word that is used to describe a table that a group of regular patrons sits at each day when they visit the same pub. The dive site was named with this same word because it is a cleaning station for manta rays.

little blue beebs.

Speaking of German pubs… @Rua, remember when we went to Munich for your birthday and everyone got put in the same room except for me?! And then we went to the bar and that guy kept calling you the wrong name hahahahahaha.

…..anyway.

drop off.

Vertigo was pretty sick. I was definitely expecting more sharks, but we saw about ten total and they got really close, which was cool. The sharks were really mild and seemed pretty uninterested in us, which I’m only mentioning so that all the olds out there can wrap their head around how safe/not scary this experience was. 

reef sharks.

The cleaning station was kind of a bust. We went to see mantas, which Yap is really well-known for, but it’s only guaranteed that you’d see them on a dive during mating season, which has passed. So we sat on the ocean floor, holding fast to a rock so as not to float away with the current, while we watched a myriad of fish eat microscopic bits of food off of corals. Wasn’t the worst way to spend an afternoon.

hungry.

But I will say, I really wanted to watch the fish clean a manta because I had so many good Shark Tale references on deck. And of course when I say good I mean terrible. But WHATEVER.

not as cool as a manta.

Also, I was crossing my fingers to see this one specific manta that’s been named “Dot Com” because I’ve been watching a lot of 30 Rock re-runs this year and that would’ve just made me happy. Wasn’t meant to be.

ya girl.

Tuesday was very busy. Three things to do in one day is out of control, out of the ordinary busy. We had STEM/robotics day in the morning at the community center in town. This was an opportunity for all of our students to showcase experiments they had been doing in groups at school as well as show off the robots the robotics club built and programmed during their elective period. 

chunky, patriarch of island dogs, bouncing the bake sale.

YCHS is sending three students to Washington D.C. in July to compete in an international robotics competition. It’s a SUPER big deal. So we had a bake sale to fundraise. We killed it.

my loyal crew.

After that, we took an hour to clean the island up a bit. We split into huge groups and went around picking up trash just to make everything in town look a little nicer. It was a good time. I’m always impressed by my students’ willingness to serve the community and each other.

After a long nap, it was time to chaperone the end of the year dance. Which was, essentially, casual prom. We had a local DJ, food, a dance floor, and bottomless iced tea. Could not, would not ask for more.

two of the most wonderful smelling flowers on island completed my prom look.

OBVIOUSLY I opted for pants when I was getting dressed for this event so I could dance hard. And y’all know I danced hard. It was a great decision.

Wednesday morning I went to breakfast with Gail. So let me take a minute to tell y’all a little bit about this incredible woman.

forgive the eagles shirt & you can see Gail is the best.

Gail is the most selfless woman I’ve met this year. She is unbelievably hard-working and she inspires me every day. She is dedicated to her family, passionate about teaching, and just an awesome friend. She taught the other three literature classes this year and was a tremendous help to me, especially as I struggled with teaching my own class in the beginning. We shared ideas and learned a ton from and with each other all year. She and I are kindred spirits. We like and dislike a lot of the same things and have similar feelings and opinions. She is my best and favorite Yapese friend as well as the single person or thing that I will miss the most once I return to the states.

can you tell these two gave me a hard time all year?

Thursday we spent the entire day at Maalay Beach Park with our students. And when I say the entire day, I mean it. A full seven hours with a million teenagers at the beach. 

The day went as you might expect. My energy levels started out as high as possible but rapidly declined hour by hour. 

mangroves in maalay.

We waded for a while, had mud fights, and explored the mangroves all while the tide was still high enough for us to be in the water. After a couple of hours, the water disappeared and we walked around on the newly exposed sandbar. We also played volleyball and ate way too much fish and taro. 

sand, for once.

SHOUT OUT TO FISH AND TARO AND ALL THE TITAWS OUT THERE WHO MAKE IT SO DELICIOUS.

food of the gods.

Friday evening we had a Baccalaureate Mass for the seniors and their families. Many students took most of the afternoon to decorate the chapel with flowers and wreaths and all kinds of beautiful things. It was so lovely. After Mass, there was a feast. Naturally.  

flora.

my juniors led the music and sang beautifully at mass.

Saturday was graduation day!!! The ceremony was short and sweet. And big news: I DIDN’T CRY! 

But the thing about graduations here is that after the ceremony, the graduates get completely dominated by leis. 

congrats, grad!

Family and friends bring scores of leis to the ceremony and once the official business is finished, the students all line up and just stand there as leis are placed around their neck until they can’t breathe/see/support the weight. The leis are made of yarn, flowers, money, candy - all kinds of stuff. It’s so fun.

!!!

Last week, we also went to Summer’s graduation from the Early Childhood Education center. In case you forgot, Summer is our neighbor and she’s the most beautiful little girl that exists currently on this planet. 

cutest little graduate.

She’s also the smartest child her age on the island. That’s not, like, an official fact but it’s got to be true. She’s brilliant. So she was chosen to speak on behalf of her class at graduation and it was THE CUTEST.

bestowing leis.

After YCHS graduation, The Breadfruit Revolution had another concert. It rained for most of the night, but there was great food, company, and music. So it was a success overall. 

And here we are - Sunday. I have three days left on Yap and its the WEIRDEST. You know why? Because goodbyes are the WORST. I’ve really met some amazing people here and it’s unfortunate that I don’t know if/when I’ll ever see them again. I’ll miss my students, my co-workers, my peace corps friends, the local people who have taken such good care of me, and the people I interact with daily. 

More than most things, I’ll miss the post office and the people who work there. I love the United States Postal Service, even though they recently let me down and lost a package I sent. I’m learning a lot about forgiveness through this challenging time. But I will miss checking P.O. Box 98 for messages from all of you wonderful people who love me so much. Thank you to everyone who wrote to me this year. I am coming home with a giant box full of letters - I couldn’t imagine throwing any of them away.

Cheers to these last three days of uchuubs and extreme heat. I’ll let you know when I’m on the other side!

All my love.

final sunsets.

nutrients.

island drives.

In keeping with the pace of trying unusual foods every couple of weeks, I recently tried sea turtle eggs.

A few weeks ago, some people donated an outdoor ping pong table to our school. Many of the students quickly became obsessed, playing during all of the breaks throughout the day. My history class was right after the lunch period, so there would often be students sprinting to my class after trying to finish a game.

One day, one of my students ran in with what I thought were two ping pong balls. 

sea turtle eggs: a delicacy.

Him: “Want one, miss?”

Me: “Uhhh… no? Go put those back at the table.”

Him: “No, miss, they’re turtle eggs. Want to try one?”

Me: “So what you’re saying to me is if I can eat this yolk, my moves will become the best in the whole world?”

Him: ...

Me, in my head: 

eagle eggs, nacho libre.

Yeah so anyway I said yes, and here’s what followed:

(sorry, there’s weird background noise. what can ya do.)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3001Msb8ms&feature=youtu.be 

“Those eggs were a lie, Steven. A lie! They gave me no eagle powers! They gave me no nutrients.”

It was so gross. Apparently they were cooked in salt water, which made them extremely salty. It just tasted like pure salt that was actually goo because it was unsure of which form of matter to take. Nick also tried one from another student and said his wasn’t salty. So, luck of the draw, I suppose.

The eggs are boiled in water, softening the shell and making them safe to consume. You have to tear the shell open and just take a shot of whatever’s inside. I didn’t rip a big enough hole, so the yolk wouldn’t come out. Once it did, though, I spit it over the veranda. I can hear my mother’s voice saying, “nas-taaay”.

village at night.

A few weeks ago we had an event at school called Under the Tree Music Showcase. 

It was open for all students to perform any music they wanted. Some shared original songs, some played instruments, and many sang. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, my students are some of the most musically talented people I have ever and will ever meet.

hanging on campus.

The event was so much fun. It always moves me to watch people share their talents. In a culture where praise is unheard of, it was awesome to give the students an opportunity to do what they love and then tell them how proud we are of them.

The choir performed many songs as well, including this a cappella arrangement of “Royals” by Lorde that I just thought turned out so well. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAVzGTcwmLc&lc=z13rwlhbfui4ctd0d22icj1qnp2phjhgo04

Per usual, I was in charge of the bake sale. What else is new. Next week, we have a STEM / Robotics showcase where I will lead my fourth and final school bake sale of the year. The one radio station on Yap has it reported as the end of an era.

my one true calling.

fun fact: people here like to eat hot dogs with marshmallows.

My time here is winding down, as is the internal engine in my fan.

It is accurate, I think, to say that I would not have survived this time in Yap without the small, electric fan that I brought with me. It’s been running for roughly fourteen hours a day for the past ten months, so I’m honestly shocked it’s still kicking. But it’s doing this thing now where, once it is turned on, the blades don’t spin unless I manually spin them at the start. So that’s where we are with that.

trees in maap.

Announcement:

The school year is over! Aaaaand I hate that.

It’s really something special to know that I just taught high school for an entire school year. I’m sitting here thinking of my high school teachers, realizing I have, in a small way, joined their ranks. I had some good high school teachers, and I often think of them and their contributions to my life. It’s really cool to realize that what I’ve done this year holds that sort of weight or merit in another person’s life.

freshmen on the last day of classes

Yesterday, after the last final exams, we spent about an hour and a half cleaning out the classrooms and making sure everything was in order. I weirdly love cleaning and organizing things, so this was great fun for me.

Afterwards, it was time for some goodbyes. Time to close up my classroom for the last time, to say goodbye to students who are going to the outer islands for the summer and won’t be at graduation. Time to hang up my title as “Miss”. 

sophomores on the last day of classes.

OBVIOUSLY I cried. But truly it was only a little bit. There’s just a few that get to you, you know? Like one sophomore on my basketball team. He’s the biggest kid in the school and he came and gave me a huge hug to tell me he’d miss me and my jokes and the impact I had on his life this year as a teacher and coach. Like, what do you do in that moment other than sob? I don’t know. That moment made this whole thing worth it. One kid, that’s what they say, that’s all it takes. Change one kid’s life and you’ve done your job. And I seriously doubt I've changed anyone's life here, but I know I've certainly impacted a few. I know I've done the job I came here to do, and there is so much satisfaction in that.

juniors on the last day of school.

Once the school day was over, a few local members of the school board came with nuunuws and coconuts and beer and pizza to thank us for our time this year. It was really thoughtful and kind. I really enjoyed spending time with these people that we hardly get to see that keep the school running behind the scenes. We talked and laughed and ate and drank and then it was definitely time for a much needed nap.

with some of the sweetest freshmen girls on the last day of school.

The coming days are going to be full of activities, and it will be so nice to continue to keep busy but only with things that are fun and not at all demanding.

Tonight, there is a concert in Tomil. I can only assume that means two guys with a synth and a speaker playing reggae, but we’ll see. Tomorrow, Tim (expat, host of Thanksgiving, mentioned a few times before) is hosing a barbecue at a beach park. He also invited a group of students from Queens University in NC that are here for a few weeks. We got to meet them and answer some questions about Yap for them a few nights ago, so it’ll be cool to see them again.

Except, you know what? Okay. I’ve never experienced this before but I know all my friends from Chicago get this all the time. 

The other night when we met these North Carolinians, I introduced myself and of course I mentioned that I’m from Dallas. And this one guy immediately shouts, “wait, what city?” to which I OBVIOUSLY replied, “uhhh…Dallas?” 

Him: “No, but like, what city do you actually live in?”

Me: “Dallas. I live in North Dallas.”

Him: “North of Dallas? Where?”

Me: “Nope. North Dallas. Like in Dallas, real Dallas. Dallas proper.”

Dallas does not at all sound like a real word anymore. Dallas, Dallas, Dallas. 

So then later I went up to him and I was like hey are you from Dallas too? And he said, “Yeah, super close! Georgetown!”

And to be polite I was like “Oh, okay, cool!” but secretly I’ve never heard of Georgetown, TX. Or if I have I quickly forgot about it. IT’S LIKE TWO AND A HALF HOURS SOUTH OF DALLAS.

Anyway, that happened. I can't stop thinking about it.

Next week will be diving and bake sales and science fairs and concerts and beach days and graduation festivities. I will be sure to give a full report after the fun is all over.

And then that’ll about do it! I have 11 full days left here and I plan to make the most of them. Drives around the island, coconuts every single day, eating my favorite foods at my favorite places, hanging with neighbors in the village, daily sunrises and sunsets, and a couple of final hikes.

Stick around for one or two final posts. Much love to my people. I can’t wait to see you all oh, so soon!

sun setting over campus.