vertigo.

under the philippine sea.

Over the past couple of weeks, I haven’t taken many pictures. BUT, I did go diving yesterday and took about a million, so I just kind of scattered them throughout this post.

Before I explain the insanity that was diving, here’s an update on the past couple of weeks -

We’ve been spending all of our weekends in Maap lately. I’d just bring Harry Potter with me and read in the sun on the beach. It’s perfect, except so many people died in the last few books and I couldn’t stop crying.

reading in Maap.

Meanwhile, I finished the series. It’s funny - I saw all of the movies (except Half Blood Prince, I think) but I had legitimately no memory of anything that happened in those books past The Chamber of Secrets. So as I was reading, it was truly like I knew nothing, which was actually amazing. Such a pure experience. I can’t believe I waited until 23 to read those books. I feel like something is missing from my life now that it’s all over.

But it’s okay because now I’m watching the movies (which are SO not as good). I will say, though, that first year Hermione Granger is everything I aspire to be. She has so many good lines. 

@Jeff, Thomas “Not me, not Hermione, YOU.”

Last Friday, we had the day off from school so we went to Maap with Laurel and met up with Sana and did a hike to this land bridge. Mainland Yap is actually four islands, three of them connected by bridges. So it was cool to sit and have a picnic over the water. Cool cool beans beans, cool beans.

bridge picnic.

picnic views.

WEIRDEST thing happened last week. Three days in a row, I encountered dead animals. 

On Monday, as I was leaving my last period class with the seniors, one of the boys caught my attention and said, “Ms. do you want to eat this with us?” So I turned around and saw THIS:

rip, bird.

Straight up, they shot a bird out of a tree next to the classroom with a slingshot and then went home after school and cooked it. It was impressive but also what.

Tuesday, during study hall at the end of the day with the juniors, I was walking on the veranda outside of the classroom and I looked in the window and one of the students had a question, so I went over to talk to her and I saw THIS:

I mean...no.

Thinking it was absolutely fake and totally plastic, I reached out to touch it and she THREW IT AT ME.

It was a centipede, which are poisonous, but it’s head had been cut off. The head was removed 8 hours prior, but the body/legs were STILL MOVING. So I started screaming because it was ON ME and everyone in the class was laughing so hard. It was so gross. But, yeah, okay it was also really funny.

Then, on Wednesday, I got home from school and saw THIS:

rip, chick.

Like, okay. Baby chicks die around here all the time because there are four million of them and there are a lot of dogs that try to eat them. But coming home to see some kids in my village swinging one around by it’s foot was pretty gnarly.

A couple of weeks ago, I had a joint practice with my two basketball teams. They wanted to scrimmage each other but I knew that the boys would slaughter the girls so instead, I combined the teams. I took my twenty players and put five girls and five boys on each team. I ended up not coaching, but reffing, so the captains coached their team. It was super successful and everyone had a great time.

two teams, one dream.

This was one of those times where I kind of felt like I stepped out of my body for a moment and got to just enjoy. It was fun to watch all of these kids play with and against each other, knowing that their skills had been ~somewhat~ strengthened this year under my coaching. It was a fun afternoon.

I woke up the other day with a huge roach just crawling all over me. So, there’s that.

Oh, and I have now suffered and survived THREE termite outbreaks. I’m thriving, clearly. If I ever have to hear that horrible noise again I might not make it out alive. It’s just so unbelievably unsettling.

@sprill Alumni Weekend looked super fun. Shout out to all of you who saw my dad. I heard Catalina was a good time. I’ll be there next year, I miss that hill.

SO WEIRD that today is the final round of The Masters. Even weirder that I’m not there for the first time in a few years. I miss the craziness and excitement of Augusta. And I miss walking the course with you, Mrs. Spieth! Who, by the way, deserves a special shout out for being EASILY my most dedicated fan this year. Thanks for always reading my posts to Ellie!

March Madness was hilarious this year. I got DEAD LAST in the family pool, yet still somehow hold the all-time record for least amount of losses in one bracket. I’ll take it.

Since we’re on sports, I can’t believe baseball season has started. I can’t wait to get home and get to the BALLPARK IN ARLINGTON (because I still refuse to call it globelife park what is that?) and eat those waffle fries with the brisket on top UGH first level food court is where it’s at. 

corals, pt. i.

School has been fun lately. We’re just about out of content in all of my classes, if not completely out of content, so we’re just doing cool stuff and I love it.

In history, we just finished African geography. When we talked about Eastern Africa, I taught the students about the Rwandan genocide, so of course I also taught them about Carl Wilkens and Imaculeé Ilibagiza. I was laughing to myself about how there was that huge box of copies of I’m Not Leaving at Camplus before we went on the Poland trip and no one was reading it and then now I’m like trying to get a copy of this book so my kids can read it and I don’t even have mine anymore.

In literature, we just finished A Separate Peace and we’re about to start Night, so that’ll be good. I’m so looking forward to that one.

In scripture, we finished the textbook a little while ago. I’ve decided to be realistic and accept the fact that I’m teaching second semester seniors in their last period of the day so we haven’t done anything too *strenuous*. On April 21st, the seniors will lead a Day of Retreat for the rest of the school, so we’ve just been using class time to prepare for that and do a few little things here and there. It’s been fun to just kind of sit back and watch them work with each other. I’ll miss this crew.

corals, pt. ii.

Last night, we went to dinner to celebrate Caroline, Laurel, and Nick's April birthdays. It's been great to find a good community of friends here on Yap and to truly enjoy the people I get to spend my time with.

at Oceania - the best restaurant on Yap.

Before I get to diving, I have an important announcement about an employment opportunity:

I need someone go to record store day and pick up like 81 specific things for me. Serious applicants, only.

Okay, so, the main event!

Yesterday, Sana, Laurel, & Caroline (Peace Corps) + Tara (Catholic Relief Services) + Nick & I went diving. 

from left to right: caroline, sans, laurel, nick, me, tara.

When you dive, you usually go to two locations and dive at each site for an hour. Initially, we were supposed to go to Yap Caverns in the South and then Vertigo way up North. Vertigo is the one I most wanted to go to out of all the sites on the reef because it’s just a billion sharks. When did I become such a thrill seeker?

So we got to the dive shop in the morning and they told us the conditions weren’t good enough up north for us to do Vertigo, but they’d take us to another place in the south instead. 

Which turned out to be a hashtag bLeSsInG. Because even though we didn't go to Vertigo, I still felt like I had Vertigo. I’ll get there in a minute.

corals, pt. iii.

I was a little nervous, remembering that I got nauseous on the boat last time we went beyond the reef, but I just played it cool. Because I’m really good at that (yikes).

We crossed the reef after ten minutes on the boat but it took about an hour and a half to get to the site. I just tried to focus on other things - you know, anything besides the fact that the boat was rocking all over the place. But what things are there, really, to look at besides the giant waves that are crashing around you?

DOLPHINS.

Y’ALL. DOLPHINS. SO MANY DOLPHINS. 

"dolphins. dolphins are good."

There was this pod that followed us for several minutes and there were so many of them and they were jumping and swimming and AHHHH I was on the verge of tears but I didn’t actually cry because I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t stop screaming it was just so wonderful!

If you remember, a few posts back I described, in detail, my obsession with dolphins. And here we are.

Easily one of the top five best things I ever saw/did in Yap. It was so perfect.

But then, the dolphins left, the waves got rougher, and I got sick. 

That’s right, peeps, I threw up twice on the way to our dive site. gggroOOoOooOss.

So we got to the first site, Magic Kingdom, and it was AWESOME. I took lots of pictures on a gopro my friend sent me (thanks, Whittaker! I’m definitely putting it to good use) but even with something as high-quality as a gopro, the pictures still don’t do it anywhere near justice. 

corals, pt. iv.

The colors of the corals were unbelievable. Every shade of pink, purple, red, and orange. I loved it. 

On this first dive, we saw several barracuda and a stingray. And of course lots and lots of fish and sponges and corals.

rip, steve irwin.

The barracuda were sick. You know in the beginning of Finding Nemo right before the barracuda eats the mom and all of those fish eggs except Nemo? And the barracuda is just kind of like hovering in the space at the beginning of the drop off? This was the exact same. We were at a drop off at the edge of the reef and there were four or five barracuda just kind of hovering there. It was insane.

if you *really* squint, you can see a barracuda.

After the dive, we surfaced and swam back to the boat, but the water was so rough so I got sick. Again. And again. 

Then we headed to the next site, Yap Caverns, which is like an underwater channel of rock formations and you swim up and down through these tiny cracks in the corals. It was too cool.

caverns.

There, I sustained many injuries, including a sting from a sea urchin (stepped on me?) and cuts from being super uncoordinated and hitting some of the rocks. I came out bloodied and bruised but better for knowing I had completed my first advanced dive.

"you sneaky mom."

Before we left that morning, our instructor was talking to Nick and me and asked how experienced we were because the caverns were advanced.

Instructor: “Do you guys have good experience maintaining buoyancy? You’ll have to change the air in your BCD frequently to stay buoyant and avoid hitting the corals or hitting your head in the caverns.”

Me: “Oh, yeah, we’re good at all the buoyancy stuff.”

Noooooope. That’s easily the thing I’m worst at. 

In the caverns, we also saw a lot of new types of coral and anemones. It’s cool to just swim over these reefs and see how many different types of life there are. And everything is so small and so intricate. It’s truly amazing how all of these things coexist.

Here's a video of some of the anemones. I think the quality worsened when I uploaded it, but whatever. Still worth checking out, I think.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfb3Iq2J3-Q&feature=youtu.be 

corals, pt. v.

We also saw a lion fish which made me miss Belize because we ate SO much lion fish there because they’re a threat to the ecosystem. Here, they’re not a problem. But they’re super beautiful.

The boat ride back to shore was straight up miserable. Probably the worst I’ve felt, ever. I got sick so many times and I thought I was never going to make it off the boat. 

nick and me, livin' large.

Reaching steady, unmoving, dry land elicited the best feeling. If we had gone to the site up north we would've been on the boat for several more hours - so I'm super glad that didn't work out. I went straight to bed (at 4:30 PM) and am still trying to recover.

I kept saying, “never again,” but Nick, Laurel, and I are supposed to go to Vertigo in May now. I also really want to go to the Manta site, because Yap is famous for her HUGE Manta Rays. I feel like I can’t leave here without letting them swim over my head. But the thought of going beyond the reef on a boat again is so unbearable. The instructors told me that yesterday’s conditions were the roughest they’ve seen here in a while. So I suppose as long as it’s not like that again, I might be able to manage. 

we love the open oasch.

Before I finish for today, there’s something weighing on me that I want to share.

I was talking to my friend Abby the other day. She’s been living and teaching in Haiti for as long as I’ve been in Yap, but she's heading home in a day or two. In many ways, though we are in very different places, our experiences have been similar. Not just the things we’ve encountered in our respective experiences, but also in the way people react or respond to what we’ve been up to.

Sometimes people see this work as glamorous. Or sometimes they say things like, “you’re doing so much good, even if you can’t see it!” And of course there are those who say, “good for you!” and “you’re so cool!” and the like. 

It’s wonderful to have such support from family, friends, and even strangers. For others to think that the direction you’ve taken with your life is something to be admired is a really special feeling. In many ways, it is reassuring. But in many ways, it puts so much pressure on the situation.

There have been days, weeks, months, where life here is nothing but difficult. It’s lonely. It’s slow-moving. It’s even boring at times. It’s monotonous. It’s simple. 

Don’t get me wrong - simple is good, simple is amazing. Simplistic lifestyle is something I really admire, something I strive for, something I will push for when I return to the states. Remembering what is important, focusing on what brings happiness, strengthening relationships, eating ice cream seven days a week, not being materialistic. These are all good things. Good lessons I’ve learned in my travels. 

But this simple life here has it’s share of challenges. Bugs, rodents, isolation, apathy, and a list of discomforts a mile long.

The thing is, in about seven weeks, I will leave Yap. I will leave the pressure to do good, the higher status I have reached the eyes of others, the discomfort, the loneliness, the inclination I feel inside of me to get out and go do something different, something new. Part of me is overjoyed about this, about moving forward, moving on. Doing something else. Not feeling like I have to impress people. Not feeling like I have to live up to an expectation that I’m “changing lives” or “doing something cool” or whatever.

But leaving Yap is going to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. Being here has been hard, but leaving will be harder. My students are now starting to ask if I’m returning next year. Each time I say no, tears are shed. Often by more than just me.

“Why, Miss?”

Ahh…I don’t know! 

That’s a fair question, isn’t it?

Why, Miss, do you get to leave? Why would you want to leave? Don’t you like it here? Don’t you love us? Love your job? Love the beauty of the island?

Yes, I love all of these things, and so deeply that I can hardly find the right words to describe my feelings.

Abby and I talked about how important compassion is. How important it is to get to know the people you’re serving. Otherwise, it’s all just a waste. Truly, a waste. Without compassion, service is selfish. It makes you feel good, to go somewhere new, do a small project, see a new place, come home, talk about it, share your photographs. There’s nothing entirely wrong with that, but aren’t we trying to make the world better?

In every application I’ve ever filled out, every cover letter I’ve ever written, I talk about my views of compassion and understanding. I think these two things are all it takes to change the world. I really believe it’s that simple. I’ve spent this year trying to cultivate understanding, to know people, to teach them, to learn from them, to be with them, live with them, play with them, serve with them, laugh with them, struggle with them. It does the soul good to remember how to be human.

I’m rambling, as usual, but here’s my point:

It really bothers me when people go out of their way to tell me that they admire what I’ve done here this year, because I know so many people who are doing incredible work, unnoticed.

Yes, I’ve made a big deal about this year. Yes, I’ve been writing a blog to keep everyone up to date about exactly what I’m doing. Yes, I’ve made it impossible to ignore that I’ve moved far away and am doing something kind of radical. I get it. 

But I think there’s so much more to be said for the quiet ones. For Abby in Haiti, for Arianne in Thailand, for Jacquelyn in Sacramento, for Keelin in New Orleans, for Leah in Shreveport, for Laura in Dallas, for Emma in Philadelphia, for Emily in St. Louis, and for countless other people who are doing GOOD things, amazing things, in a variety of fields - my friends who are nurses, teachers, consultants, event planners, HR reps, engineers, and more. People who are serving others, volunteer or otherwise. Who are working to better their communities. To better themselves. To better others. To better the world. 

Thank you, all of you, for the recognition, the support, the love, the enthusiasm. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

I am, simply, a high school teacher. My life here has been nothing close to glamorous. Many days I wonder why I chose this, how I got here. I can think of so many people who would have been stronger here than I have been. Who would have served more gracefully, with less doubt, less uncertainty, less struggle. 

I wonder why I care so much what you all think of me and of this experience. I don’t know. But I just need everyone to understand that I don’t think this has been what you see it to be. It’s not something to be admired any more than what anyone else is doing. I’m putting my whole heart into a job and a community I love, just like many of you do every day. That’s it. We’re all doing cool things. We’re all heroes. We’re all making a difference. And the only reason I can do it is because I’m fortunate enough to have a thousand people out there who know me and love me and are doing the same thing, inspiring me every single day.